Today, June 13th, I reached Level 50 in this biological game of Life. As a punk from the 80s, I didn’t think I’d make it this far*, and twenty years ago, I nearly took my own life. I certainly didn’t think I’d be alone and childless in this journey, but here I am, doing my thing, whateverthefuck that is. Actually, the thing currently is playing Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey. hence the ‘demigod’ in the title. It’s an achievement you get when you hit Level 50. I figured ‘fuck it, why not’. In the game, I’m now level 54 because you can go past 50 if you have the DLCs. I happen to have the Ultimate Edition because I’m either serious AF about Assassin’s Creed or Greek mythology … or both. Or maybe it’s just the gaming. *points to tagline above*
I’ve lived a pretty full and active life. It’s had its ups and downs. I’ve fallen completely and totally unconditionally in love … and I’ve had my heart shattered into a bah-jillion pieces. I’m still kinda working on putting the last few pieces back into place, but we’re getting there. I’ve had the opportunity to travel and hang out with some pretty spectacular people, too, and just being able to meet in person friends I’ve met online over the past decade or so as well has been the experience of a lifetime. I wish I had pictures of everyone. I’m pretty certain I lost a bunch when my last phone fried before I could do another backup.
(click on the images for larger view)
There’s a picture near the top of me drinking with a redhead. I’ve known that bitch since high school, now 32 years, and I know she reads this blog. *waves* Some of my best friends live in my computer. The others live inside my head. The ones that don’t feel like talking right now when I desperately need them to before I get more edits. Alas, no. They’ve gone silent. Motherfuckers. Well, sort of silent. This is why I’ve been playing RPGs so much, hoping the storylines will spark some goddamn thing in my head. I did recently have yet another idea inspired by song lyrics, though I have several books ahead of said idea. For now, I’ve been trying to write this post all week and today … let’s just say it’s been giving me trouble. It’s like I’ve lost my passion for writing, which I know isn’t true due to said ideas. But my creative spark is barely a flicker right now, or so it feels. That’s not a good sign for me, but at least I recognize it. *Hell, I’ve been dealing with it for over 30 years. That, and the exhaustion. I’m kinda sitting in those worlds right now. It’s not because of my birthday, though. There are many other factors at play that stress me out on a daily basis, so turning 50 is the least of my concerns, which is why I didn’t think about writing this until a few days ago and is one of many reasons I’m NOT freaking the fuck out at turning the big FIVE-OH.
It’s not so much the number as it is realizing how little time is left. I mean, we don’t know when we’re going to die … and now I get it, why people become so pious as they age. When you’re young, you feel fucking immortal, like nothing can stop you from doing any goddamn thing you want, and the world is big and beautiful and there for you to explore. Age isn’t changing how I feel about some sky daddy, though. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. The older I get, and the more knowledge I gain, the less I believe some deity created the universe and the more I believe the science. But that’s neither here nor there. I think I’m just at that midlife point but without the crisis because I know who I am and where I’m at in life and what I want from this point forward, but something has always prevented that forward movement. Which leads me to this:
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.
Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.
Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.
~ Brené Brown
And on that note, have a fantastic day! =)