Archive | August 2009

Writers and Blogs

I almost forgot about this. Too much wine earlier this evening. =)

There is a blog post I’d like you to read by Myra McEntire. It is Wisdom for Writers. You’ll see why when you get there, but if you haven’t read it yet, go read it… now! Some very wise words from a talented writer.

Thanks.

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Ah Crap…

Okay folks, so the visualization exercise didn’t work. Neither does meditation or anything else I’ve used in the past. Isn’t this fun?

It’s 3AM and my foot is asleep. It kind of ticks me off that the rest of my body won’t follow suit. I’ve also come to realize something this lovely evening – I can’t draw worth a shit. I have all of these images in my head, and I can’t get them out. It’s driving me rather insane at the moment, among the many other things overfilling my damn plate.

Yeah, so… I have a lot of things to do today. Sleep won’t be one of them, apparently.

Oh, and just a heads up on what’s coming in the near future – I’m out of cigarettes without a way to get more at this time. Murderous tendencies may take place once again because this is completely involuntary, which is the absolute worst way to quit smoking. You may wish to steer clear of me for the next week and a half. I won’t be pleasant. I’ll also try to stay away from Twitter during this time. I need to find a job anyway… which is what I’m going to go do right now.

Update: the nicotine issue has been solved. Thank the gods!

Visualization

Last night, I did an exercise in visualization when I went to bed. Not too far out there for me, as that’s pretty much how I write my stories – I visualize them, watch the movie in my head, rewind the scenes I need to detail, listen to the dialog, and write it all down as it’s happening before my mind’s eye. What I should not have done was waited until I crawled into bed, although I wasn’t expecting any sort of writing to come out. A stupid thought, I know. This was more an exercise for healing, to rid myself of the things bogging me down these days. I’m trying to find my center again. It’s a good thing I keep a notepad on my nightstand. The result was a poem of sorts titled The Well on my poetry blog. You should go read it if you haven’t yet, before you continue on with this.

Now you’re going to get a rare glimpse inside my mind, something I don’t offer up very often, but it may offer a few explanations as to my behavior or moods. Before I give you that glimpse, you need to know this: I am a Gemini. What that means is that I truly have two faces. I’m not two-faced in the sense that I will stab someone in the back. My moral compass won’t allow that. I’m too honest of a person. Hell, I can barely tell a lie. It’s quite annoying, really. That doesn’t mean, however, that I won’t defend myself or stand up for myself. I will and I have. I am a very strong woman, which is equivalent to bitch in certain aspects of the world. I really don’t mind that, though. When I say that I have two faces, I mean that I have one face that I show the world, and the other face remains hidden. What you’re about to see right now is a glimpse of that other face. It’s the only way I can express why I wrote The Well.

Okay, so the reason I decided I needed to do the visualization exercise is because I’ve talked about that well for a long damn time and it was time to visualize myself climbing out of it. I can’t move forward until I do so. I found myself at the bottom of that well 10 years ago, and over the last year, I’ve found myself slowly falling back down into it, grasping at the sides to keep from plummeting into the abyss, especially these last eight or nine months, when the one and only person to whom I gave my heart and unconditional love tossed me aside, in a manner of speaking. Totally blind-sided me. That’s really hard to get over and move forward from. I’ve never given myself so completely to someone. At the same time, I’m pissed off that I did so and ended up hurt beyond measure. I told myself that’s what I get for opening my soul to someone. That’s what I get for allowing someone inside – all the way inside. Something I haven’t done since I was a little girl, but that’s a whole other story that has to do with my darling father. And up went the walls again, to protect me from any more hurt. It’s going to take someone pretty damn spectacular to break them down again, and personally, I don’t think the man exists. At least, not outside of my imagination anyway.

Walls or not, my friends see a different side of me. They see bits and pieces of me, but they tend to see more than anyone else does. Only those I consider true friends will see the real me. I am lucky to have as many “true” friends as I do because I know that some people live their entire lives without finding even one. So I do count my blessings there because without them, I would not exist.

I do not use the term “true friend” lightly. I have been screwed over by fair weather friends more times than I can count, so if I refer to you as a true friend, if I open my heart to you and let you in, if I allow you to see that side of me, the side that’s hurt and in pain, then you are truly my friend and that is a bond that will never be broken unless you choose to destroy it. Wookie and I had this conversation recently, and we discovered that we feel the same on the subject. He and his wife have been a huge blessing to me during these last eight months, and I consider them “true friends”. Without them, I think I would have lost my mind by now.

The symbolism in The Well:

This covers a couple of areas and I’m certain you have figured out that the Well stands for that low point of depression, the bottom, if you will, that one hits when all is lost. Yes, the Well is my depression and has been for many, many years. Only once have I hit bottom and that was 10 years ago. I won’t allow that to happen again, as it is a very, very dark place that I don’t care to visit.

The roots, I’ve realized while writing this, are actually the hands reaching down to hold me in place, if not to help pull me up. I thought I was pushing them away, but I was wrong. They kept me from falling.

And the tree – ah yes, the tree. I put that picture up for a reason. It is the Tree of Life. It wasn’t there the last time I fell, nor were there any roots to hold onto, and only one hand came down to save me back then because I wouldn’t let anyone else see that other face. I didn’t show it, but she saw it anyway, even from another state. I call her my Sanity, but in truth, she is one of my dearest and oldest friends. Her name is Cyn.

In conclusion to all of this, I visualized that I climbed out of that well early yesterday morning. I’ve never done that before. I won’t say just yet that it’s liberating because I’m not exactly certain how I feel right now. I don’t feel much of anything at this moment. It’s kind of like that calm after the storm right before life begins anew. And I’ve realized many things in the process of this. I’ve been in a type of mourning for a life that is past, and now it is time to move on, to move forward.

To a new beginning.

::breathe::
I can do this.
And I know you’ll be standing next to me, holding my hands.

The Well

Note: So, last night my head hit the pillow and of course, verse began. I’d told myself that I needed to do a little visualization exercise and while I did so, a poem of sorts came out, so I need you to know that this is the visual of what went through my head before sleep overcame me. Don’t panic! It’s just an exercise. If you know me, of all things you should feel relief by the end of this.

The Well
I’m holding on
Barely clinging to roots that push their way through earthen walls
Grasping with every ounce of strength I have left in me
My arms are getting tired; my fingers, numb
It would be so easy to let myself fall
But I don’t like the darkness that shrouds me down there
It’s damp and it’s cold and I feel so alone
My arms grow weary; my fingers, weak
How did I climb out last time?
Ah, the hand of my Sanity
There are so many hands now
Reaching down to pull me up
But I keep pushing them away
Still trying to figure out how to do this on my own
I need to do this on my own, for once
I reach up to grab another root, but my hand slips and I am left dangling
One arm, keeping me from the depths of the Well


I can do this
I close my eyes and breathe
A sob attempts its escape, but I stop it
I am done with tears of sorrow
Strength is what I need
I swing myself forward to grasp the root again
To pull myself up
One arm stinging with life; the other without sensation
I pull up, adjust my footing and reach again
It’s still dark where I am, but I can see a sliver of light
Maybe hope 
Perhaps even dreams
My body is exhausted from holding on for so long
Just a little higher, and I can feel the sun kiss my hand
For once, it doesn’t burn
A little more… and I have reached the edge of the Well
I clutch the large root in front of me that covers the ground and pull myself free
My unfeeling fingers; my wearisome arms that held me in stasis
My aching body
Finally, my legs that held no purpose for me while I clung – no strength for me to stand
I kneel, and now that I am free, I look up
The sky is blue, and I am under a large tree whose branches sway in the gentle breeze
This time I don’t stop the tears as they fall, and I hug the tree with my worn-out arms; caressing its skin with my sore fingers
My head rests against the tree as it breathes new life into me…
And I smile, truly, for the first time in months
Because I am now free to start again
© 2009 N.L. Gervasio

Umi: Part 2

Just a quick note to let you all know that Umi is home from the hospital and doing well. The heart flutter was caused by the low potassium level and is no longer happening. She looks much better, too.

Thank you all so very much for your prayers and support! We appreciate them and love you for it.

Heartstrings

Was it fear
That got to me
Of the unknown
That shot through me
What is it
That you can’t see
When you play
With my heartstrings
If it was fear
That held me
Enraptured
In captivity
Then I say
To thee
Stop playing
With those heartstrings
For it is fear
That haunts me
Of losing you
Taunts me
And I pray
As it flaunts me
Before the world
Exposing my heartstrings
And you say
That you’re sorry
Of worrying me
Agonizingly
What is it
You can’t see
When you play
With my heartstrings
© 2008 NL Gervasio

Broken

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Her eyes, round and full
Golden in the sunlight
My reflection
Is that me
Within the vast darkness
A shadow
A glimmer
Hope
Her fur, soft and silky
Of earth tones and white
My flesh
Is it real
As fingers glide
A sensation
A shudder
Life
Her scent, clean and comforting
Of forests and flight
My life
Is it worth it
While I breathe it in
A reprieve
A sigh
Broken