Last night, I did an exercise in visualization when I went to bed. Not too far out there for me, as that’s pretty much how I write my stories – I visualize them, watch the movie in my head, rewind the scenes I need to detail, listen to the dialog, and write it all down as it’s happening before my mind’s eye. What I should not have done was waited until I crawled into bed, although I wasn’t expecting any sort of writing to come out. A stupid thought, I know. This was more an exercise for healing, to rid myself of the things bogging me down these days. I’m trying to find my center again. It’s a good thing I keep a notepad on my nightstand. The result was a poem of sorts titled The Well on my poetry blog. You should go read it if you haven’t yet, before you continue on with this.
Now you’re going to get a rare glimpse inside my mind, something I don’t offer up very often, but it may offer a few explanations as to my behavior or moods. Before I give you that glimpse, you need to know this: I am a Gemini. What that means is that I truly have two faces. I’m not two-faced in the sense that I will stab someone in the back. My moral compass won’t allow that. I’m too honest of a person. Hell, I can barely tell a lie. It’s quite annoying, really. That doesn’t mean, however, that I won’t defend myself or stand up for myself. I will and I have. I am a very strong woman, which is equivalent to bitch in certain aspects of the world. I really don’t mind that, though. When I say that I have two faces, I mean that I have one face that I show the world, and the other face remains hidden. What you’re about to see right now is a glimpse of that other face. It’s the only way I can express why I wrote The Well.
Okay, so the reason I decided I needed to do the visualization exercise is because I’ve talked about that well for a long damn time and it was time to visualize myself climbing out of it. I can’t move forward until I do so. I found myself at the bottom of that well 10 years ago, and over the last year, I’ve found myself slowly falling back down into it, grasping at the sides to keep from plummeting into the abyss, especially these last eight or nine months, when the one and only person to whom I gave my heart and unconditional love tossed me aside, in a manner of speaking. Totally blind-sided me. That’s really hard to get over and move forward from. I’ve never given myself so completely to someone. At the same time, I’m pissed off that I did so and ended up hurt beyond measure. I told myself that’s what I get for opening my soul to someone. That’s what I get for allowing someone inside – all the way inside. Something I haven’t done since I was a little girl, but that’s a whole other story that has to do with my darling father. And up went the walls again, to protect me from any more hurt. It’s going to take someone pretty damn spectacular to break them down again, and personally, I don’t think the man exists. At least, not outside of my imagination anyway.
Walls or not, my friends see a different side of me. They see bits and pieces of me, but they tend to see more than anyone else does. Only those I consider true friends will see the real me. I am lucky to have as many “true” friends as I do because I know that some people live their entire lives without finding even one. So I do count my blessings there because without them, I would not exist.
I do not use the term “true friend” lightly. I have been screwed over by fair weather friends more times than I can count, so if I refer to you as a true friend, if I open my heart to you and let you in, if I allow you to see that side of me, the side that’s hurt and in pain, then you are truly my friend and that is a bond that will never be broken unless you choose to destroy it. Wookie and I had this conversation recently, and we discovered that we feel the same on the subject. He and his wife have been a huge blessing to me during these last eight months, and I consider them “true friends”. Without them, I think I would have lost my mind by now.
The symbolism in The Well:
This covers a couple of areas and I’m certain you have figured out that the Well stands for that low point of depression, the bottom, if you will, that one hits when all is lost. Yes, the Well is my depression and has been for many, many years. Only once have I hit bottom and that was 10 years ago. I won’t allow that to happen again, as it is a very, very dark place that I don’t care to visit.
The roots, I’ve realized while writing this, are actually the hands reaching down to hold me in place, if not to help pull me up. I thought I was pushing them away, but I was wrong. They kept me from falling.
And the tree – ah yes, the tree. I put that picture up for a reason. It is the Tree of Life. It wasn’t there the last time I fell, nor were there any roots to hold onto, and only one hand came down to save me back then because I wouldn’t let anyone else see that other face. I didn’t show it, but she saw it anyway, even from another state. I call her my Sanity, but in truth, she is one of my dearest and oldest friends. Her name is Cyn.
In conclusion to all of this, I visualized that I climbed out of that well early yesterday morning. I’ve never done that before. I won’t say just yet that it’s liberating because I’m not exactly certain how I feel right now. I don’t feel much of anything at this moment. It’s kind of like that calm after the storm right before life begins anew. And I’ve realized many things in the process of this. I’ve been in a type of mourning for a life that is past, and now it is time to move on, to move forward.
To a new beginning.
I can do this.
And I know you’ll be standing next to me, holding my hands.