…and no, I’m not just talking about the year 2018, though that year alone has felt like a decade.
Recently, I was reminded that I’d be turning 50 in six months. I’m not sure how to feel about it. I think I’m okay with it. I mean, I’m not feeling the great freak out coming on or anything.
I suppose that’s a good thing, but I didn’t freak out at 40 or 30, either.
But 2018? It was a rough year, for a lot of people, it seems. I nearly lost my mother a year ago this month (she’s doing well, BTW, and I demanded she stick around another decade). My own health declined rapidly, though things are a little better now. I went through the year thinking liver cirrhosis was eminent, but a recent visit with a hepatologist confirmed that everything is at normal function, so whateverthefuck they saw in the ER in 2017 was wholly incorrect. That happens to me a lot because my liver is a bit enlarged. This doctor also thinks that I may have been misdiagnosed over 20 years ago. I agree with him, but would like to still know what is actually wrong with me since I’ve experienced the fatigue since 1997.
I do still have fibromyalgia and lupus, though. Probably where the fatigue is coming from.
But this doctor, he walked into the room and, after asking several pointed questions, said, “I don’t believe everything I see on paper, so we’re going to start from scratch.”
My response: “Good, and thank you.” I like him. I had another doctor like him once a little over a decade ago. She’s the one who finally diagnosed the lupus and fibro…because she decided to start over instead of looking at what others had done.
As for the past decade…well, that is unfortunately heavily documented within the archives of this blog. And a lot of what I experienced is not documented at all. I went through a lot of pain, both physical (pinched nerve) and mental/emotional (heartache). The pinched nerve lasted for five years. That’s a long time to be at that level of pain. Nothing takes the pain away because it’s nerve pain, so if you ever find yourself experiencing that kind of pain, I am so very sorry. I cried. A lot. I wanted to die. Often. You can’t sleep, or concentrate, or walk or sit or lie down comfortably. It does something to your brain, too, so I’ve been saying for a while now that my brain is broken. In reality, I think it just got rewired, but it’s still broken. Always has been on some level. But if you got caught in the cross-hairs of that pain during the past decade, I owe you an apology, because I don’t think clearly when I’m in pain. Nor when I’m scared, like the past year.
Also? Still a control freak. I don’t think that’s ever going away.
Writing has become more difficult in some aspects, yet easier in others. Concentration varies. But I’m working on it every day, both in my health and my writing. I signed up for a year-long course to help me with the marketing aspect (that I hate) of publishing because I suck at it. Deadlines make things easier. I need to learn to respect my own deadlines for my writing.
I am working on the next book, though, during this course. Some of it needs rewritten, so there’s that and it’s never fun. It’ll be part of the Armageddon universe, the first book of the Angel series. I don’t have a release date right now, but everything else is coming together, ideas forming and solidifying into tangible items such as the cover, blurb, how this story will affect the others, and so on.
I’ll try to keep sharing news about writing, editing, whatever now that I’m out of my funk. Thanks for reading!
Jinxie 💀
xoxoxo
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