Tag Archive | humor

Rules of Editing – Part III

DISCLAIMER: This post is meant to be humorous and in no way constitutes actual editing rules to live by (well, maybe a few). I just thought I’d put something together to make you laugh at my expense during my final edit of The Vampyre Prophecy.

So, go forth, laugh, enjoy, COMMENT. I swear, it’s like I’d have to sell my soul to get y’all to comment…

 

© 2012 Jinxie G

Rule #14 of final editing stage: don’t get acrylic nails too long that’ll prevent *good* typing on the new laptop!

Rule #15 in final edit: try not to call your editor bad names when s/he calls you a lazy-ass for not adding dialogue where it’s probably necessary.

Rule #16 during final edits: laugh, don’t cry, when your editor asks you how a vampyre transports himself from one place to another.

Rule #17 of final edit: laugh at your editor’s mistakes, but do NOT point them out! This may or may not cause you harm.

Rule #18: don’t get mad when you realize your editor is way geekier than you. “Stay on the road. Keep clear of the moors.” @RCMurphy

Rule #19: beware the POV switch, for your editor may bitch slap you.

Rule #20: try not to laugh when your editor forgets or misspells a word. *snorts*

 

Yeah, it’s a short one this time around. Sue me. At least I posted something.

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Rules of Editing – Part I

DISCLAIMER: This post is meant to be humorous and in no way constitutes actual editing rules to live by (well, maybe a few). I just thought I’d put something together to make you laugh at my expense during my final edit of The Vampyre Prophecy.

So, go forth, laugh, enjoy, COMMENT. I swear, it’s like I’d have to sell my soul to get y’all to comment…

Rule #1 in final editing stage: don’t read the editor’s smartass comments while taking a drink. *cough cough*

I’m getting smacked for the word “while.” And I’m getting a “Kill it with fire!” LMAO!

Rule #2 in final edit stage: when your eyes start crossing, it’s time to step away from the book and go to bed!

Rule #3 in final edit stage: the editor is always right….correct….almost always correct….oh fine, always correct.

Rule #4 in final edit stage: alcohol is always necessary. Be sure to stock up. *takes a swig*

Rule #5 in the final edit stage: distractions are bad. Stay away from social media…………*runs away*

Rule #6 in final edit: know that it’s difficult for ANYONE to edit an old piece, and that it’s NOT complete crap and you CAN make it work.

Rule #7 in final edit: whether you have children (age doesn’t matter) or care for a parent, expect distractions…always.

Rule #8 during final edit: NOT sitting at your computer will NOT move the edit forward.

Rule #9 of final edit: try not to yell at your editor, but if you do, at least come up with creative ways to do so.

Rule #10 of final edit: acknowledge when your editor is correct, which is pretty much all the time.

Rule #11 in final edit stage: learn when to totally steal something from your editor…or whoever. And do it correctly and without getting caught.

Rule #12 of final edit: try not to pull your hair out and think, “God, when will it ever end?”

Rule #13 in final edit: unfortunately, editing jobs come up and you have to set aside your MS for a short time, but hey! Now you have money! =D

To be continued…

Stay tuned for a first chapter sample from The Vampyre Prophecy tomorrow!

Conversations with Umi – Part II

Last May, I posted Conversations with Umi, right before Umi’s birthday, which is May 6th (remember that, folks). One of the conversations involved Palm Sunday (look below post), which just passed last week. Since I had a complete JinxieFail on posting about Palm Sunday being on April Fool’s Day *snorts* (and I totally wouldn’t have forgotten had it been Easter to fall on that day), I’ve decided to do another Umi post. I mean, hey, her birthday is coming up anyway, right?

By the way, if you haven’t discovered it yet, Umi has her very own Facebook Fanpage. You should go “like” it, if you haven’t yet. She’s quite fucking hysterical.

Let us begin, shall we? I’ve pulled these from her fanpage.

* * * * *

UMI: Do you need someone to go with you for the EEG?

JINX: No.

UMI: You can’t drive if you’re drugged.

JINX: I won’t be drugged. They’re studying my brainwaves.

UMI: That won’t take long…

* * * * *

JINX: Oh noes! You missed #NCIS!

UMI: Fuck a dick!

JINX: *snorts and falls over*

* * * * *

UMI: I was going to go to bed, but I don’t think I’ve seen this #NCIS….ooh, I’ve got chocolate!

* * * * *

UMI: I’m gonna go lay down for a bit.

JINX: OK, love you, mom.

UMI: I’m not going to bed!

JINX: I know.

UMI: You love me anyway?

JINX: Of course I do.

* * * * *

UMI: I’ve got Hogwarts down on my Bucket List!

* * * * *

UMI: *to firefighter on TV* You must not have seen that spot on the application that says “ugly guys need not apply.”

* * * * *

UMI: *glares at Jinxie_G* You’re disturbing my “me” time again with your damn #insomnia!

* * * * *

JINX: I love you, mom.

UMI: I know you do. I’m your favorite mom!

* * * * *

UMI: *walks out, looks down at Moon* Hi butthead!

* * * * *

UMI: That’s probably for Sunday (Pony Express riders)

JINX: What’s on Sunday?

UMI: *sighs* A hundred years of statehood. Sheesh.

JINX: How do you remember this shit and forget to take your pills?

* * * * *

JINX: *bangs on computer*

UMI: Know what I think?

JINX: What?

UMI: You need a new laptop.

JINX: I would agree.

UMI: Know what else I think?

JINX: What’s that?

UMI: I need one too.

* * * * *

JINX: I wish I had a photographic memory.

UMI: I wish I had ANY kind of memory.

* * * * *

UMI: Are you gonna tweet that?

JINX: You betcha!

* * * * *

UMI: *watching Fiat commercial* Is that that Sofia gal?

JINX: That is not Sofia Vergara.

UMI: Are you sure? It looks like her.

JINX: It’s not her.

UMI: It sure does look like her.

JINX: It’s not her, mom.

UMI: It looks like her.

JINX: I’m ignoring you now…

* * * * *

UMI: I am almost ready for bed.

JINX: Good, I can watch my fight porn.

UMI: What fight porn?

JINX: Spartacus.

UMI: *raises hand* I am Spartacus!

* * * * *

UMI: *watching Subway commercial* Sorry, but Ben Franklin was never a president! *rolls eyes*

* * * * *

UMI: SPIDER!

JINX: Is it a black widow?

UMI: I don’t think so. Well, I can’t tell bc it’s smooshed now.

JINX: You didn’t know the last one was a black widow.

UMI: You said it wasn’t!

JINX: *rolls eyes* No, I told you it was and you didn’t believe me, but it was black and had a fucking hourglass on it’s little black body.

UMI: Whatever. This one’s dead.

* * * * *

JINX: You got some new fans!

UMI: That’s because I’m funny.

* * * * *

UMI: I think we need to move to another planet because this one’s going to Hell in a handbasket.

* * * * *

UMI: *watching new Crayon commercial* I wish we had a kid so we could get some of those.

JINX: *blinks* You want us to have a kid so you can get the new Crayons?

UMI: Sure!

JINX: How about I just buy you the fucking Crayons, Mom?

UMI: Eliminate the middle man. That’s good. I like it!

* * * * *

UMI: *watching Edible Arrangements commercial* I’m gonna send myself one of those!

JINX: Really? People are supposed to send stuff like that to you, Mom.

UMI: Well I don’t have anybody to send me one!

* * * * *

JINX: *squints* It’s too bright in your room.

UMI: That’s bc you like the dark, vampire person.

JINX: *continues talking about something else* Wait, did you just call me a vampire person?

UMI: Yes.

JINX: You gave birth to me, you know. What’s that say about you?

UMI: It’s one of my mistakes.

JINX: Thanks, Mom. I feel so loved.

UMI: I love you, Jinxie! *hugs tight*

JINX: Riiiiight.

* * * * *

UMI: *opens front door*

JINXIE: ACK! Bright light! BRIGHT LIGHT!

UMI: Oh stop it. You’re not a gremlin!

* * * * *

On Palm Sunday 2010:

Jinxie: Jesus fucking Christ!

Umi: It’s Palm Sunday.

Jinxie: I know. *pause while surfing web* Jesus fucking Christ.

Umi: It’s Palm Sunday.

Jinxie: And your point is?

Umi: *glares*

Jinxie: What?

Umi: *glares some more*

Jinxie: WHAT? Do you not want me to say that? LOL

Umi: It’s Palm Sunday.

Jinxie: Okay. So I shouldn’t say that what, 3 days a year?

Umi: Yeah, that’d be good.

Jinxie: What about Ash Wednesday, you want me to add that?

Umi: *shakes head and walks away*

* * * * *

Are you scared yet? You should be!

Welcome to my insane world.

Spam Comment of the Week IV

Have I mentioned just how much I love Akismet because it filters this shit for me? I do. I really, really do. Okay, that said, on to the Spam Comment of the Week…

This is the very first one I saw when I opened the spam comments last night, and I pretty much fell over laughing, especially after seeing exactly where the idiot was trying to post to.

From Valentine’s Day Gifts (BTW, I HATE Valentine’s Day):

OMG? I thought this was blue jeans and then I noticed it was VIDEO GAMES! My ears had to do a double take :)

Posted on: Bittersweet 

First, Bittersweet is a fucking poem, people! Second, how in the fuck do you mistake this poem, with a picture of a heart, for blue jeans? Third, video games? WTF? Fourth, I’m sorry, but your EARS had to do a double take? I’m not really sure what else to say to that because it’s after 4am and I can’t think anymore. Fifth, considering the poem’s content and everyone else’s mood last night, I’m all depressed now. I’m going to bed.

*throws hands up and walks away*

(Note: apparently this poem was the “article” of the week, as it had MULTIPLE spam comments on it. Lovely)

Dating Tip #5

Today’s tip, I got from Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger, which is a hilariously awesome show and entertains me on many levels.

Don’t give too much information (TMI) on the first date, phone call, etc. because you have to leave some mystery, people. Besides, all those skeletons in your closet will come out down the road eventually. For now, keep that door locked tight, bolted, and put a dresser in front of it.

I don’t really need to worry. All of mine are pretty much online. *snorts*

 

Note: this was MY twist on something Patti said on the show because these posts are meant to be humorous at times.  Don’t read into it. Take it for what it is, folks.