Tag Archive | Nemesis

The Secret Life of Jinxie G: Part IV

….you want me to go out? Social Anxiety! ACK!

Yeah, it’s a problem I have. I want to go hang out with friends, yet I don’t because Oh My Fuck, I have to interact with people (strangers) and what if I say or do something stupid. I mean, I have no problem laughing at myself, but embarrassment can reach a level of “WHAT DID I DO?” that’s difficult to recover from. Blurting out something incredibly stupid? Yeah, that’s practically my daily life. I can talk on the phone all day and feel comfortable, but face-to-face is a whole other world that I do not do well in, though on occasion I have said something stupid on the phone too. I’d be surprised if extroverts understand what we introverts go through when it comes to socializing, but by all means correct me in the comments because I don’t want to come off as some “all-knowing” bitch and shit. Although, however introverted I may be, I *do* actually like socializing…with a small group of friends. I can’t handle big crowds. I end up sitting in a corner, observing everything, making friends with the dog if there is one. That also has its own benefits because the realist and worst-case-scenario person in me looks for ways out of every situation. You know, in case the zombie apocalypse begins while I’m out. One time, Scooter Boy wanted to do one of those wine and paint night things. They’re a lot of fun. So I grabbed my Groupon and registered, only to find out he and no one else had yet. I panicked and told him, “You *do* realize I have social anxiety and the idea of walking in there by myself is freaking me out.” His response was simply, “Oh shit!” and we had him and his girlfriend registered within a day or two. The result was that I now have a Starry Starry Night painting with a T.A.R.D.I.S. flying through the middle of it. It’s hanging in Umi’s room, mostly because I’m her favorite daughter (and only one), but also because that particular Van Gogh is her favorite. But yeah, social anxiety for me means that I can’t go do something like that by myself. The thought terrifies me.

Solitude is DangerousDon’t get me wrong, I can do some things on my own, like grocery shopping or shopping in general, but I don’t see the point of going to a movie alone or anything that’s of entertainment value. I’m also weird about meeting new people, mainly because I’m worried they’ll think I’m weird, which I am, so…yeah. And I don’t like being in a position where I’m going to be put on display, which is why I didn’t go into acting and refuse to do karaoke, even though I can sing. As a writer, I sit here tapping away at my keyboard. My performance is done in private. You get the end result that (hopefully) is free of mistakes.

I like the solitude of my hermitdom, but holidays are the worst. My family doesn’t really get together anymore, and to be honest, I’m okay with that for me because I can write or watch a movie and be happy in my introverted little world. But Umi likes being around family sometimes, so I feel bad and try to make up for it as best I can. This Christmas I couldn’t do much because money is tight for multiple reasons. She deserves so much more. I actually wanted to travel somewhere this Christmas, but that didn’t happen. Normally, though, I forget there’s a holiday unless someone tells me. The only exception is Hallowe’en.

1622272_650308168340344_1401925496_nI started this post three months ago because it’s a struggle to reveal something on this level. When friends want me to go out with them, there are a number of factors at play. Sometimes I have a deadline and editing/writing during the week is tricky when I’m working a few long shifts to make up lost time for Umi’s doctor appointments so I don’t have to use my personal time. I’m already always exhausted due to lack of sleep and health issues. Having to work a longer shift makes it worse. Sometimes I’m not comfortable in my own skin and most certainly don’t want to go to a club. I don’t care for that scene anymore; it just annoys me on many levels and I don’t dance anymore. Other times I just want to sit and watch a movie, whether on my own or out with friends. I’m cool with grabbing a bite to eat or a coffee now and then, but I just don’t have the funds to go out more than once a month right now, and when you’ve had your friends pay your way for a long time in the past, it gets real uncomfortable for you when you actually have a job. To be honest, it’s embarrassing and makes me feel like complete shit. That’s not to say my friends treat me that way; just the opposite, in fact. My friends are awesome and try to make me socialize, which is sometimes a good thing, but the timing has to be right. If I’m a broke emotional wreck with a deadline? Forget it. (This actually happened Friday, for which I feel bad and know G is reading this)

10406784_755469571172772_6371810132442591024_nSo much happened the last half of 2015 that I’m still adjusting to the wreckage and picking up the pieces. Shit happened that I don’t talk about, because it doesn’t need to be talked about; it just needs to be fixed, which I am doing, but it’s going to possibly take me a couple of years to make things right. None of this helps the social anxiety at all. It sucks.

So….yeah, I have social anxiety, which I think has worsened over the years, but I’m working on it. It may seem like this post is about more than social anxiety, and it is. I’ve been slowly prioritizing things in my life, removing the things that aren’t important or urgent, so that I can create that life I don’t need a vacation from. A life on my terms. A life with functional social anxiety, with a little bit less fear. A life with more freedom than I have ever known.

 We’ll get there.

Advertisements

Labor Day Celebration Multi-Author Event

….because giveaways are always fun!

That’s right, it’s time for another event with awesome prizes like a Kindle Fire and Amazon gift cards!

When: Now! I mean, August 31st through September 4th.

Where: Online, of course, on Facebook.

Prizes: I already told you the big ones, but each author throughout the event will be giving away prizes too, so join in the fun!

Who’s involved: *points down*

Join the celebration on Facebook by clicking HERE!!!

Aug. 31

6 PM Angela Mcpherson
7 PM Tia Silverthorne Bach
8 PM Twyla Turner
9 PM Jennifer Lane

Sept. 1
6 PM A.M. Wallace
7 PM C.M. Stunich
8 PM Heather C. Myers
9 PM Brenda Pandos

Sept 2

6 PM Mary Ting/M. Clarke
7 PM Alexandrea Weis
8 PM Erin Hayes
9 PM Wendy L Owens

Sept 3

7 PM Heidi McLaughlin
8 PM Lila Felix
9 PM CM Doporto
10 PM N.L. Gervasio 

Sept 4

6 PM H.D. Gordon
7 PM S.I. Hayes
8 PM Jaidis Shaw
9 PM Juniper Grove Book Solutions

Dear June

…I’d like a fucking do-over, please, and yes, that includes my birthday.

If you stalk follow me on the interwebz, you may be well aware of the month I had…and I didn’t even share it ALL with the world. Oh yes, there’s so much more, but I won’t go into it because it’s a private matter.

Allow me to point you to the Gallbladder of Doom first. No, really, go read that and then come back here. Don’t worry about losing this page. It’ll open in a new tab. Go. *taps foot* I’m serious.

I will wait for you

*whistles*

Oh, you’re back. Good. *kicks feet off desk* Where was I? Right, so yeah, that was a lot of fun. I didn’t sleep much that week. Do you know what I did for my birthday? Nothing. I stayed home because I was exhausted. Excuse me a sec….

Mom, it is not your fault. I love you and will always drop everything for you when you need me. I’m your daughter. You know I like to bitch and where I get it from. *ahem*

Okay. I did work on my own book on my birthday, so that was nice. Dropped 1,000 words on Assassin. Go me. I also got some editing in that weekend that was apparently irrelevant, but whatever.

I should have known that the first week of June, with its calm and serenity—which was a much-needed break at work—was the precursor to the oncoming storm. I mean, emergency gallbladder surgery, then another publishing issue popped up that had to be taken care of immediately. Then the A/C died the week after Umi’s surgery and I got home Thursday night with plans to work on a not cheap line edit over the weekend, but I had to pack up Umi and Princess the Chihuahua and go sleep in a goddamn Motel 6 that our landlord put us in with crappy Wi-Fi and the first thing I did in the room was kill a cockroach. I will be discussing with him which hotel I’d like to stay at if this ever happens again, and it sure as fuck isn’t Motel 6. After waking up on the incredibly hard too-small bed with very little sleep, I sent him a text stating that I cannot sleep on that hard bed another night and I had a job to complete for a contract that I CANNOT LOSE. We were back in our apartment by 2:00pm, though it was a bit muggy/humid as the poor A/C unit worked in overdrive to cool the place off again. It ran for five hours straight. FIVE. HOURS. I’m afraid to see the electric bill. I slept through those five hours because I didn’t sleep much the night before, and neither did Umi. She passed out too.

im-so-tired

Then the A/C starting leaking right from the filter. The maintenance guy came back and fixed it. And then it continued to leak from the filter and inside the hall closet, thereby ruining a few things. He fixed it again, supposedly. Then on the 29th as we were leaving for Umi’s follow-up appointment with the surgeon, he was to look at it while we were gone. We stopped at the store on the way home, and when we got there, he was already gone. There was no leak in the hallway anymore. Then as I unloaded groceries from the ‘lanche, Umi started screaming from her bedroom that there was water coming down. I kid you not, there was a fucking waterfall coming out of her closet. I had to shut off the water to the entire building until the maintenance guy could return. The landlord showed up and I pointed out where the waterfall was and he saw the leak in the hallway that the maintenance guy apparently did NOT fix. At this point, he feels bad. The maintenance guy doesn’t show up again the rest of the week and is supposed to be out today.

I’m done with this place. Seriously. It’s ancient and falling apart. Their remodel four years ago was only aesthetic.

The sad part? I just found the PERFECT townhouse directly across the street from where I work for cheaper rent than what I’m paying now and with more room, and we are not in any kind of a position to move yet. Maybe in a couple of months, I’ll be able to do it. I can only hope that place is still available then, but I doubt it.

So if you need an edit, or know anyone who needs an edit, share my Editing page, would ya?

Thanks.

Oh, and go fuck yourself, June. I’ve had it with you. I think I’ll start celebrating my birthday in December.

ARC Giveaway!

…because who the hell doesn’t want an ARC signed by all the anthology authors?

Banner 3

That’s right, folks, today we’re giving away the signed ARC (Advanced Reader Copy) of Into the Darkness: an anthology over in the 12 Days of Christmas event. Join the Facebook party and you could win the ARC, a $50 Amazon gift card, a copy of Into the Darkness or Nemesis in one of three eBook formats, a signed print of Nemesis, or as stated above, the signed ARC of Into the Darkness.

12 Days

Click here to play and enter the giveaway!

Tomorrow is the last day for this event, so get busy!

Good luck!

12 Days of Christmas

…because hell to the yeah, it’s contest time with some pretty awesome prizes!

12 Days

That’s right, I said prizes. A Kindle Paperwhite and a $50 Amazon gift card are up for grabs. First, you’ll need to visit the Event Page on Facebook and join the party.

Following, you’ll find a schedule of authors participating in this wonderful event. Below that, you’ll see the Rafflecopter entry form.

Schedule:

Dec. 1st Gina Whtiney
Dec. 2nd Angela Mcpherson
Dec. 3rd A.R. Von
Dec. 4th Susan Griscom
Dec. 5th Harmony Lawson
Dec. 8th Rosa Storm
Dec. 9th Sarah Buhl
Dec. 10th Jen Wylie
Dec. 11th Julia Park Tracey
Dec. 12th Amber Garr
Dec. 15th NL “Jinxie” Gervasio
Dec. 16th J & L Wells

a Rafflecopter giveaway

One of the prizes I’m giving away is a signed ARC of Into the Darkness: an anthology. Another prize is a signed copy of Nemesis. And of course, a few eBook copies. So get to entering the giveaway!

My Prizes:

1 e-copy of Into the Darkness: an Anthology, format of your choice (EPUB, Kindle, PDF)
1 e-copy of Nemesis: a Kick-Ass Girls Club novel, format of your choice (EPUB, Kindle, PDF)
1 signed paperback of Nemesis: a Kick-Ass Girls Club novel
1 signed (by all four authors) paperback ARC copy of Into the Darkness: an Anthology

Daily Affirmations & For the Love of God….

…do we really have to do this?

*sigh*

Fine.

*throws something*

I was suppose to have been doing this for the past couple of weeks, I think, but I’ve only written down a couple of them, so screw it, y’all get to see them every day because it’s the only way I’m going to get it done and hey! Blog posts! Besides, this will help me keep track of the ones I’ve already done and keep me from going all, “yeah, but…” negative directly after the positivity I’m trying to fucking create here.

There, I’m killing two birds with one stone.

Getting two idiots with one bullet.

Taking out two zombies with one arrow.

*blinks*

That escalated quickly.

ANYWAY….

I’m grateful to have the gift of sight, and I’m not just talking about being able to see the normal world around me with my two eyes. I mean that and so much more, like the ability to see more of the world that most pass by without a flicker of thought. The colors, the beauty, the amazing things created that have taken millions of years to get to where they are RIGHT NOW. The ability to see that which might not exist on the same plane, as well as an occasional glimpse into the future or past. The future one tends to slap me in the face. I don’t much care for it. It’s not always roses sensing spirits, either. Some of them aren’t very nice.

For the record, I’ve taken psychology classes. I know how the brain works.

Yet…I still believe.

Which is, essentially, how the brain works.

*wonders if this is what full-on insanity feels like*

Well…my ellipses and asterisks and I are heading off to watch a movie because it’s Saturday night and I’ve done my work for the day. And workout. The fact that it is nearly one in the morning is meaningless in my world.

You’re probably wishing you’d chosen the Dreams door now, huh? Yeah…enjoy your Sunday.

*throws popcorn at you and runs off*

64177_10151999416988558_834940536_n