So I’m Allergic to the ENTIRE World

…and I don’t even know where to begin with this.

So if you’re my friend on Facebook, you might have noticed my recent news and are aware of the hives I’ve suffered for nine weeks running now. In short, I’m allergic to…uh…the entire world. Not really, but it sure as fuck feels like it after the little revelation I got on Friday.

We all know I’ve been trying to change my diet over the past year or so. Hell, I even quit smoking a year ago. After that, every hidden health problem I have ever had, like EVER, came to light. [Thanks, Body. You can fuck off now for keeping those secrets all these years. Oh, and thanks for the systemic incurable shit too. I really appreciated those.] At any rate, I’d given up dairy for the most part and tried to eat more fruits and veggies (organic, of course), but damn it’s difficult when you’ve grown up on a diet of meat and potatoes and dairy….and TV dinners and junk food and soda. I’m honestly surprised I’m not diabetic, and yes, I’ve been recently tested. I’ve been tested for a LOT of things lately. Most recently, I did a food allergy test.

You know it’s not good when your doctor starts the conversation with, “I have never seen a panel with this many food allergies.”

My response: “Just fucking great.”

I should probably mention that I was at work….in a small call center….where everyone can hear you.

Luckily, no one was on the phone at that precise moment.

On a scale of 0 to 4 (lowest to highest, thank you very much), welcome to my new life (in I-don’t-want-to-be-on-this-fucking-diet hell):

My morning routine consisted of organic toasted oats with a dash of stevia in unsweetened almond milk and my coffee with vanilla coconut milk creamer. I’ve apparently been killing myself for years with the dairy anyway because that’s an inflammatory food and my body doesn’t like those. I also want to curl up and cry right now because I have a house full of food that I can’t fucking eat and I’M HUNGRY (this was on Saturday). I still haven’t been able to replace a lot of the foods I eat because every time I go to the store, I end up almost in tears after reading the labels and realizing that all of the gluten-free crap is made with rice flour. ALL OF IT. I can’t have rice, either. So I’m screwed no matter what and I haven’t had time to really sit down and figure out recipes that do not involve ANY of the things on that list above OR the things that might be related to them. For instance, pecans aren’t on there, but three other tree nuts are. Guess what I’m not going to be eating anytime soon. That’s damn right–pecans, mugglefeckers.

I’m also about to head off to Vegas tomorrow afternoon for a Wizard World Comicon, so yeah, restaurants should be fun. Hell, eating in general should be interesting. I picked up a few snacks at Sprouts today that will hopefully save me when I’m S.O.L.

Those of you who, like me, suddenly found yourselves allergic to the world’s buffet and are muddling through, I admire you. I honestly don’t know how you survive because I’m reading labels and thinking, “Fuck, I can’t eat this, either. WTF can I eat?” It’s depressing. It’s irritating. I’m in shock too. It’s like quitting smoking or ANYTHING, really.

On the bright side, I have a wonderful network of friends with similar issues who have offered support, advice, and recipes. I fucking love you guys. Seriously. Also on the bright side, I may lose weight from this alone. HA! And now that the hives have dwindled to a minimum, I can start working out again.

Off to Vegas, bitches!