Why I Can’t Read or Edit Your Book

…without some sort of monetary transaction. Y’know, like you pay me and I’ll edit your book or design your cover or whateverthefuck it is you’d like me to do with it.

I’m not sure if most of you are aware of this, but quite frankly, folks, I just don’t have the time to edit or even read your book for free. I know you don’t want to hear this and it saddens you because you may value my opinion, but there just aren’t enough hours in the day for me to get it done. I work full time and work five different jobs. It’s hard enough to carve out hours to freelance edit, edit for my own publishing company, and write my own damn stories on top of my “day” job. I rarely even get leisure reading time anymore, which really sucks because I’m pretty fucking sure my Kindle book list has now topped the 1,000 books mark.

So while I would absolutely love to read your book and give you my opinion, or edit it and rake you over the coals, I just can’t. “Won’t” isn’t even a factor, so please don’t be offended when I tell you “no.” You’ll notice I didn’t say “if” there. That’s because I never edit/read for free anymore. I can’t afford the time off another project that will pay me.

And while I have you here, I also don’t have time to do your research for you, unless you’d like to fork out a nice chunk of change (large bills, please) for it. There are folk who specialize in research. I even know some of them. There is also this fucking amazing website called “Google.” You should check it out. It’s done wonders for me. I mean, hell, how do you think I learned all of this shit in the first place? Oh, all right, I actually did go to college and get a degree, but I am constantly searching things on Google, to the point that one could almost call me the Google Queen, except that I know people who use it more than I do. That should scare you. And hey, if Umi can do it, anybody can. Don’t be a pussy.

Likewise, there are websites that specialize in matching writers with people who need writers. You can Google that too! I don’t have time to answer a bunch of questions for you on whatever your questions are about when it comes to looking for/finding a writer/editor/whatthefuckever, and if we get past me already telling you that I don’t have time, then it’s gone too far and just pissing me off, especially if I’m cranky.

Look, I try to be nice as much as possible until I have to be a bitch, and if you think I’m a bitch, then I’m doing my job and not overloaded with the work of people trying to take advantage of me or my connections. I know that’s not always the case, but it is some of the time, and those fuckers are the ones who ruin it for the rest of you.

So go give them hell.