I know I’m not alone when I say that last week was just a fucking shitty week any way you look at it. And if you’ve been following my Twitter timeline, you know two-thirds of the reason my week was so shitty—two sprained feet, lots of pain. There was another reason, but I can’t remember it. Oh hey, my memory! That’s always in play, or the fact that it’s severely lacking these days. I’ll remember what it was in about three days. =) What you don’t know about is the funk I sank into, like many others did. It must be the alignment of the planets or something, but whatever it was, it’s still kind of affecting me and I’m pretty much done with it at this point.
Sometimes I choose to share that shit with you (the funk or depressing shit), sometimes I don’t. What can I say? I’m a Gemini. I have two faces, and you rarely get to see the other one. That “other” one holds all of my vulnerabilities—my emotions (the bad ones), my weaknesses, my pain, my naiveté—that I obviously don’t want the world seeing because who the hell wants to read that shit? Am I right? Of course I am . . . try not to read a good portion of my blog if this is your first visit, especially the My Life in Hell posts. That was a really bad time.
I know exactly what I need to do to get things done around here, to follow my 30-something-long To Do list that never seems to shrink. I need to Focus. Focus is good. It is our friend. It helps us achieve great things, like book deals and such.
Things tend to look bad before they get better, and that’s just it with last week—it looked bad, but in all reality, it’s wasn’t as bad as the past few years, so better is just around the corner. Right? I’m not just telling you this; I’m listening to myself when I say it. I’ve been to Hell enough in my lifetime, and the past three years were a valuable lesson learned, but the next three (because things come in three in my family—good and bad) should be fucking peachy (that’s not sarcasm). I’m guessing the deaths will start again at that point. That’s not a negative outlook; it’s a realistic one. That’s how it works in my world. I’m also a worst-case scenario type of person, in that I imagine the absolute worst about everything, most likely so I’m not disappointed when it actually does happen, which it never does. See? Silver lining.
But last week, even though I talked to people online, I felt very, very alone in the world. I know I’m not alone because I have a lot of friends, so it’s a stupid unjustifiable feeling, and I tell myself that. But sometimes, you just can’t help feeling that way.
And I know some of you understand that.
I don’t feel that way now, which is good, but the pain is still there, distracting me, keeping me from getting done all the shit that needs to be fucking finished already. Y’know, like the vampire books, and the werewolf books, and the demon books, and all the short stories and novellas I’ve started. And let’s not forget that if I don’t get the next Kick-Ass Girls Club novel written soon, fans will begin stalking me! Sounds pretty fucking overwhelming, doesn’t it? It fucking IS . . . but I do try to focus on one project at a time, which annoys the hell out of me because I’m used to working on two or three books at once.
So I can tell you I’m going to Focus to get these things done, but it likely won’t happen. One of my greatest hindrances is distraction (Bejeweled Blitz is only a minor distraction). It’s mainly due to the pain I’m in every day because I can’t concentrate on much when I’m in pain. Pain has been more distracting for me than any man I’ve ever encountered, and that’s saying a lot because I’ve actually completed NOVELS while with distracting men. Now I struggle with an edit of one of my novels. And let’s just not even talk about new story ideas I don’t have the time to write . . . .
Of course, I wrote all of this before something else happened over the weekend. No, I won’t be discussing it . . . ever.
Back to work. I have two writing contests to enter this month. Why? Just because I can.
And I just hope and pray that I can Focus long enough to get them finished.
But honestly, how am I supposed to take over the world if I can’t Focus?
2 thoughts on “Focus”
Don’t take that like literally as though I ‘like’ this and what you went through. I meant it as a ‘hey, I’ve read this, and I understand.’
Jinxie, master, I am so incredibly sorry that I did not read this sooner and was able to be there for you. I know you’re a very strong and independent woman and can probably get through anything the world has to throw at you. But, just with that very last part, I feel you were calling to me, us, for help through something. And I, being first, should have been first, right there, to read and give it to you. And here it is, a whole fucking month later. And I feel like such an idiot.
I hope so much that you are doing okay. And even though it’s 3am (4 where you are), I really really hope you have a good night (morning). And I am here for you, 100%. And I wish it didn’t take me till just now to realize it.
Thanks, hon. Don’t feel bad or like an idiot, or beat yourself up for not reading this sooner. You have your own shit storm to wade through. I appreciate the thoughts and I’m okay. Promise. =)
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