If you follow me on Twitter and have for some time, you’ll know that I’ve tweeted things my mother says from time to time. I used the hashtag #umisaid for a long time before finally creating this Twitter account – @umi_g_. Shh, while Umi knows I tweet the shit she says (which hasn’t been much lately due to my lack of internet), she does NOT know about the actual account. I might get in trouble, especially for that picture (not the one posted here).

Anyway, since I’ve not been able to really tweet the crazy things she says to me lately, I thought I’d share them with you here on my blog.

Welcome to my insane world.

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Last night:

Me: *looks at book Umi’s reading* Reading John Matthew now?

Umi: Yep, I’m preparing for the next book that I’ll get on my birthday.

Her birthday is May 6^th and I’m broke.

Me: LOL Right. I’ll make note of what you want.

Umi: You’d better or you’ll no longer be my favoritest daughter.

Shit.

* * * * *

Text Messaging about Soylent Green:

Me: Are you gonna wanna watch this horrible movie?

Umi: Really bad huh?

Me: It’s a 70s movie. I can’t watch it again. If you don’t want to, I’ll just put it in the mailbox with the other one.

Umi: I told you it was crappy! Nah, I don’t want to see it.

Me: Lol I knew it would be, but I had to watch its horridity!

Umi: Is that really a word? I need my trusty dictionary for that one!

Me: No, it’s not. I made it up. Lol

Umi: It figures. I’m about to go to bed. So see ya tomorrow!

Me: Yep. Be home in a bit.

* * * * *

As I type this post:

Me: *reads texts from Umi and laughs* You are hysterical. Lol

Umi: Great, you’re making me the laughing stock of the Twittersphere.

Me: You are NOT a laughing stock. People laugh because you’re funny, you have a great sense of humor. People laugh at (censored) because she makes herself look like an idiot before all of Twitterville.

Umi: Don’t ever put me in the same boat as that stupid bimbo.

Me: ROFLMFAO! Not to worry, Umi, you never will be!

* * * * *

In the past:

Me: I have Zombie Survival Crew work to do.

Umi: I don’t understand that whole zombie thing.

Me: It’s okay, Umi, I’ll take care of you when the Zombiepocalypse happens.

Umi: I certainly hope so! Are you gonna shoot me in the head?

Me: Absolutely, if I must!

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On Palm Sunday last year:

Me: Jesus fucking Christ!

Umi: It’s Palm Sunday.

Me: I know. *pause while surfing web* Jesus fucking Christ.

Umi: It’s Palm Sunday.

Me: And your point is?

Umi: *glares*

Me: What?

Umi: *glares some more*

Me: WHAT? Do you not want me to say that? LOL

Umi: It’s Palm Sunday.

Me: Okay. So I shouldn’t say that what, 3 days a year?

Umi: Yeah, that’d be good.

Me: What about Ash Wednesday, you want me to add that?

Umi: *shakes head and walks away*

* * * * *

On moving:

Umi: I don’t want to talk about moving. I hate moving. It’s why we stayed in one place when you two were kids.

Me: Um, we moved every 3 years.

Umi: That’s not the point!

Me: *falls over laughing*

* * * * *

Umi: It’s one of my umi-isms.

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Are you scared yet? You should be!