The first rule of Zombieland is you don’t talk about Zombieland … wait, wrong movie.
Okay, so here are the rules for Zombieland that I’ve compiled through a bit of research. They will be marked in parentheses where they were found, either movie or blog or other. We’ll get into the review afterward.
Rule #1 – CARDIO (movie): Remember, you don’t have to outrun the zombies, just your friends. Trip at will in order to escape.
Rule #2 – DOUBLE TAP (movie): Don’t be stingy with your bullets. You’ll avoid becoming a human happy meal if you stick to this rule.
Rule #3 – BEWARE OF BATHROOMS (movie): I’m not even touching this. I hate public bathrooms anyway.
Rule #4 – SEATBELTS (movie): Nothing like driving really fast and crashing your car to send a backseat zombie through your windshield. Personally, I’m a bit more concerned by the fact that the zombie was smart enough to get in the car and shut the door. Creepy!
Rule #5 – AVOID MAJOR CITIES: Duh! The bigger the city, the larger the zombie population.
Rule #6 – CAST IRON SKILLET (blog): WTF? I have no clue. Sorry, folks.
Rule #7 – TRAVEL LIGHT (movie): Obviously. Lugging around a bunch of crap is not conducive to escaping hordes of hungry zombies.
Rule #8 – Doesn’t seem to exist…
Same for rules 9 through 11…
Rule #12 – BOUNTY (Q&A): Again, WTF?
Rules 13 and 14 are non-existent…
Rule #15 – BOWLING BALL (Q&A): Seriously? I’m not even sure what this means, unless we’ve created a new game that only involves the really sloooooow zombies, but they all seem to RUN now, which I absolutely despise!
Rule 16 missing…
Rule #17 – DON’T BE A HERO (movie): Look, there’s always a hero, and yes, the hero usually dies, but not all the time. Not. All. The. Time.
Rule #18 – LIMBER UP (movie): I personally liked Tallahassee’s version of limbering up in this movie.
Rules 19 through 21 missing…
Rule #22 – WHEN IN DOUBT, KNOW YOUR WAY OUT (movie): Always a good idea. There would be nothing worse than getting trapped…aside from being eaten to death and possibly made a zombie, if there’s anything left of you.
Rules 23 through 28 MIA…
Rule #29 – THE BUDDY SYSTEM (Q&A): Never wander off alone. After several years of horror movie watching, we should ALL know this rule by now. The loner dies a grisly death. End of story.
Rule 30 MIA…
Rule #31 – CHECK THE BACKSEAT (movie): personally, I think this one should fall BEFORE rule #4.
Rule #32 – ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS (movie): Just because life’s gone all haywire and God’s fucked up the world, it doesn’t mean you can’t stop and smell the roses once in awhile. Just don’t get too wrapped up in your little dream world because there could be a zombie coming up behind you.
Rule #33 – SWISS ARMY KNIFE (blog): And again, WTF? Of course I have a Swiss Army Knife. Who the hell doesn’t anymore?
Questionable rules, not sure where they fall in the order:
A little sunscreen never hurt anyone (movie)
Always carry a change of underwear (movie, in the beginning)
Double-knot your shoelaces (movie)
It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Unless it’s a sprint, then sprint (movie)
Pack your stain stick (???)
If you haven’t seen Zombieland by now, you’re seriously missing out.

The horror comedy Zombieland focuses on two men who have found a way to survive a world overrun by zombies. Columbus is a big wuss—but when you’re afraid of being eaten by zombies, fear can keep you alive. Tallahassee is an AK-toting, zombie-slaying’ bad ass whose single determination is to get the last Twinkie on earth. As they join forces with Wichita and Little Rock, who have also found unique ways to survive the zombie mayhem, they will have to determine which is worse: relying on each other or succumbing to the zombies. Written by Columbia Pictures
This movie has become one of my favorite zombie movies of all time. It’s hilarious, gory, and full of great lines and visuals and cast. Don’t go in watching this only expecting a funny movie because it’s so much more and if you have qualms about gore, I wouldn’t suggest watching it.
As if Shaun of the Dead wasn’t funny enough, and one review site touts this movie as Zombieland is Shaun of the Dead‘s crazy, funny redneck cousin” (ScreenRant), to which I agree, Zombieland takes horror movies to a new level of humor that is very enjoyable…and we get to keep the gore.
The movie is about Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg), geek extraordinaire who has a fear of clowns (just like me), and Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), the redneck whose penchant for killing zombies is at the top of his survival skills. Let’s not let forget the man’s love for Twinkies and his endless search throughout the movie for the last Twinkie on earth – “Contrary to popular belief, Twinkies do have an expiration date.” Guess I’d better get that box shipped to my friend in Australia soon! Be sure to stock up on Twinkies before watching this movie because you will crave them, as my roommate and I discovered.
The rules listed above denote Columbus’s paranoia in a world even before zombies and how he’s survived the Zombiepocalypse. Pay close attention to the way the rules are introduced and displayed because that’s part of the humor of the movie. It took three times watching it for me to pick up on one of them I’d kept missing.
Tallahassee definitely enjoys his newfound zombie killin’ skills, and we like him. He also loves his Cadillac Escalade, has the armory of a small army (or redneck), and the scene in the grocery store is hysterical in how he takes the good ‘ole boy zombies out. Yes, throw in a little banjo music with that. Paddle faster!
The two men meet Wichita (Emma Stone) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin), sisters who have survived the Zombiepocalypse because of their background. They trust no one, don’t get involved, and stick together.
After hijacking the Escalade, the girls leave our heroes stranded at the market. But, have no fear, Tallahassee finds an H2 that apparently belonged to a redneck and is loaded with weapons. They stumble upon the broken down Escalade and the girls again, and after a bit, things settle in the group. Then they head for Beverly Hills. I won’t spoil the cameo in this if you haven’t seen it yet, but it is full of awesome!
Later, the girls take off once more and go to an amusement park so Little Rock can have somewhat of a childhood. The girl’s only like 12 years old. Things go badly fast, but Columbus is determined to go after them, and has to face his one main fear—a zombie clown. Of course, Tallahassee goes too. An amusement park is a sure place to find a Twinkie, right?
I won’t spoil the rest of the movie for you.
The one thing that did bother me about this movie is that the second half of it seemed to ignore all the rules set in place in the first half. After watching the extras on DVD, I discovered that this movie was supposed to be a television show, ending the pilot where the girls leave the boys stranded at the market, halfway through the movie. The rest hadn’t been written yet, so it explains a lot in the ending.
But still, I LOVE this movie. It’s fun, entertaining, hilarious, and gory. It is R-rated for foul language and gore.
Now, go grab a box of Twinkies and watch the movie. You won’t regret it!