Strength & Endurance

I am trying so hard to be strong through this shit storm I’m going through right now. Strong through the pain that is so unbearable I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I am trying to endure through all of this because I know that God put me on this damn planet for a purpose, and if I had already served that purpose, I wouldn’t be here talking to you now.

It’s difficult when you’re alone. I’m not talking about a lack of friends and family. Most of you have a significant other to lean on when the world flips you upside down. I don’t. So all I have are my friends and family. As Big Daddy pointed out to me earlier: it could be worse. You could be without a car and a roof over your head or friends that care. This, coming from the man who used to be my rock, the one I leaned on when everything got fucked up … until he stepped aside and I fell … hard. I feel like I’ve been falling ever since that moment.

I reapplied for disability today, and yesterday I applied for food stamps, since I have no income now. Kitty‘s been great and I’m so very lucky to have her as a friend. I can’t imagine too many others who would help me as much as she has. And she knows when I am able, I will help her. That’s what family does, and I consider her a sister. I’ve been crying on and off today and right now I’m just trying not to cry in front of her because she’ll just tell me it’ll make it worse, which of course, is true. But a bit ago, the pain got to be too much, so I’ve been in tears throughout this post, waiting for the meds to kick in.

Medication doesn’t really take away the pain of a pinched nerve. There’s not a whole lot you can do about it, honestly. But they do help in coping with the pain somehow. That’s the only way I can describe it. Here’s the fucked up part: right now, I’d like to go to bed. Not because I’m tired, but because I’m exhausted and drained, but I know I’ll wake up in a few hours in agony, so it’s kind of like “what’s the point?”. The other night, I took my laptop to bed with me and watched a couple of movies. I’m considering an Underworld marathon tonight, but that’ll take me back into the super nocturnal hours that I’m not quite ready to head back to just yet because I have a million things to do during the day. Those things that I sometimes can’t do because the pain is too unbearable or I feel sick, like today. Maybe I’ll just watch another Vin Diesel movie. I watched The Chronicles of Riddick the other night. I could go backwards and watch Pitch Black. I like the character of Riddick. Always have. He is strength personified.

So as my 19-year-old Pasha (the one who has cancer) makes me laugh on Facebook while I’m trying to finish this up by saying “us sickies/druggies gotta stick together,” I think I’ll wrap this up by saying a few more things.

I am strong. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have made it this far. I can endure. If I couldn’t, I wouldn’t still be here.

I can do this is my phrase lately that seems to get me through everything, from my truck to the front door at work, from my front door to my truck, from point A to point B to point C, where there’s hopefully a pint of Guinness waiting for me … and a book deal, if I can ever finish this damn edit of Nemesis!

My body may be quitting on me, but my brain still works … for the most part.

I think it was agent Janet Reid who once said that a particular author (I can’t recall the name) started writing because she couldn’t work anymore. That gave me inspiration in that just because I can’t work anymore, it doesn’t mean I can’t have a career. I’ve been writing for 13 years now. I’ve completed six novels. Nemesis is the one I’m sending out into the world because I feel it’s worthy. Let’s hope I find an agent who feels the same. And let’s hope the agent finds the “other” blog instead of this one that potentially makes me look insane. Hey, Edgar Allen Poe was insane too, you know! Actually, the man was a genius, but I could go on and on about that so I’ll just stop right here.

Peace.