You can fill in the rest.
If you’ve been following my blog for a while now, you know how this goes and what I generally write about when My Life is in the title. I suggest you discontinue reading if you don’t want to see it. This blog is a journal about my life, even if I don’t keep up with it very well. If you want to read about writing stuff, go here.
So, here we go.
A little recap: lost my job in October 2008 due to a pinched sciatic nerve in my left hip; fiancé lost his job in December 2008 (same place) due to our previous employers being complete assholes; fiancé and the love of my life broke up with me in January 2009—I was still too hurt to do much, let alone look for a job; couldn’t find another job; had about four interviews last year. Pathetic, I know. Part of that, however, was due to depression. With what hit me in a matter of months, it was damn difficult to overcome.
I lost my house this past January. It went up for auction. Honestly, I’m surprised it took that long. I then moved to Maricopa with Umi and Akhi in February, and we’ve been living here with a friend since then. That’s a long damn drive into the Phoenix area to look for work and takes a lot of gas in my ‘lanche. Hell, it takes a lot of gas in Umi’s Cavalier. It takes roughly 30 minutes just to get to Ahwatukee/south Chandler.
No, not chicken butt. It’s almost time to move again. I still don’t have a job, and I’m going through the Social Security Disability process, which will take forever. Once it does take effect, whenever that’ll be and after I appeal the decision I’m certain, it still won’t be enough to cover all the bills. Akhi sort of has a job, but he doesn’t work every day. That kind of hinders the saving money for moving process. I’ve been writing articles in the finance/health insurance realm, but I have trouble writing enough to cover everything I need the money to cover and it doesn’t pay very much unless you write A LOT. It’s daunting and draining. So I’ve signed up to write freelance for a few other sites. It’s still not enough, and what makes it most difficult is the fibromyalgia. There are days where my head is in a complete fog for hours. One day, it was nine hours. I timed it. Nine hours before my brain was alert enough to think clearly and write anything outside of the creative realm. Unfortunately, I had to go to bed early that night for an appointment the next day. Go figure.
A lot of people don’t understand the fibro fog. They don’t understand the amount of pain I’m in every single damn day, probably because they see me functioning. What they don’t see is the several hours it took for me to get to that functioning level. They don’t see me staring at my computer screen for hours on end waiting for the fog to clear so I can write SOMETHING. They can’t fathom the level of pain because I don’t really show it, and I have a high pain tolerance. The last doctor I saw a couple of weeks ago for my disability claim watched me walk up and down his hallway, and then said, “You’re just dealing with it, aren’t you?” I said “yes” with a grimace on my face. I’m not certain whether or not my ability to walk that day will hinder the claim, but he damn sure hit all my fibro points and it hurt like hell. He hit some I didn’t even notice before.
Anyway, it’s about time to move again, which means I have to look for a place to live and a place to put Umi and Akhi. I have a friend with a small condo, but I haven’t heard from her after a few recent attempts, so I can’t count on that. I know that I have a place to go, but the situation is a bit volatile and that concerns me on many levels. My concern is for my friend’s safety, not mine so much.
To top this off, Akhi’s cat Gremlin is staying with a friend whom I can never thank enough for taking him in, but he has to be out by the 29th of this month and we have no place to put him right now because we can’t bring him here and won’t be moving until mid-May. I don’t want my brother to have to give up his cat. It’s not fair. I still have Moon. That would be like asking me to give her up, and I would die before doing that.
So I don’t know what to do.
I know I tend to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and that’s my own damn fault and just how I am, but the weight is crushing me to the point that I can’t breathe anymore. And when things happen in succession, it’s hard to catch a breath. Things break. I understand that, especially when it comes to vehicles. Like my water pump that needs to be replaced and will cost me around $600 that I don’t have and can’t afford. Or Umi‘s car window that was victim of the recent hurricane-like winds that blew through the ‘Copa. But something breaks and I find a way to fix it, whatever that way is. I’m a fixer. I can’t help it. Something breaks, I start looking at the problems and start searching for a solution, eliminating one problem at a time along the way. If you’re a fixer, you’ll understand that. I fix each problem and move on from there, leaving them or whatever caused them in the past. I try hard to look forward. I don’t like living in the past. That just brings depression, and we certainly don’t want that again. I just came out of the well not so long ago and have no intention of going back after being in there for a year. I do tend to overreact to things right off the bat, but after my initial freak-out, I sit down, smoke a cigarette, and start thinking of solutions. They don’t always come right away, but they get there eventually.
I also tend to curse the universe a lot. Now, you may think this isn’t wise, but the universe and I have a long-standing history, and I’m not asking questions of it, just stating my displeasure with the bullshit I’ve endured for far too long.
I’m still searching for solutions to my many current problems after a year and a half. I’ve never had something take this long in my 40 years on this planet. It’s a reinvention that I wonder if it will ever finish. Does that make sense? Sorry, I have U.P.O.’s Godless playing in the background.
I know exactly what I want in life, and that is to become a published author. I want to see my book(s) on the shelf when I walk into Barnes & Noble or any other bookstore.
So what am I doing about it?
I’m spending a lot of time lately honing my craft, reading a lot of books, writing book reviews, starting new stories for publication wherever, and just essentially trying to find the next big idea. I think I’ve found it. Unfortunately, that means I don’t spend a lot of time with family and friends who are dear to me, and some may take it wrong. All I can say is I love you, and please understand why I’ve withdrawn. If I’m to make anything out of the career I want, I have to do this, and I hope you’ll understand. I won’t disappear completely. I’ll still be around, just hiding in the shadows once again. I’m good at that. Besides, freelance writing alone takes a lot of time away from the many things I want to do.
Most people work during the day and nighttime becomes playtime before sleep. I sleep during the day and work at night. That’s the nocturnal creature in me and it will never change. I don’t have children, so if I don’t have to get up in the morning, I’ll work all night and sleep all afternoon. I spent a good portion of the last year and a half in escape mode. I slept a lot and played all night and didn’t write a damn thing. Oh, I started many stories, but couldn’t finish them due to the depression. Right before the latest issue of Forever Nocturne released, one of my characters decided to tell a short tale. It was the first writing I’d completed in over a year. I can’t even begin to tell you how ecstatic I was when this happened. Writing is my passion and it’s like a drug when I can complete something with pure satisfaction—the kind I felt that night when I finished Shawn’s story. I was also able to edit my fantasy story and intend to finish that and publish it as a novella. Right now, I have three books open to work on because I like to torture myself. Kidding. It’s the only way I can work, otherwise, the ADD kicks in and my mind wanders. If I have two or three books to work on, the chances of my mind wandering elsewhere are slim. Most writers will understand that.
So…look at that, the post ended up being about writing anyway. I’m going to take a deep breath and jump back into my three stories to see what I can do with them before I head to bed.
Thanks for reading, if you’re still around.
Oh, and welcome to my world.
Coming soon: An interview with Kait Nolan about her new book release.