I have to preface this post with the fact that I’ve been told by friends that I’m not allowed to post anymore of these in the future because they’re depressing. Well duh! It’s called My Life in Hell. Sheesh. I’m over it now, so bugger off. This was written January 20/21, 2010 in a notebook because…well, you’ll see why. These are just my insane random babblings after a very difficult night.
I’m so fragile at this point that it doesn’t take much to knock me back a few steps these days. One step forward, five steps back. Thus, the past year of my life. Actually, this process tends to come in cycles and repeats itself every eight or so years. Welcome to my world.
I started following The Reinvention Project because whoever this person is, she’s experiencing similar crises like I have over the past year or so. I bet she has a job though—that which eludes me for several reasons, one of which has to do with a pinched sciatic nerve again and the very thing that cost me my job in October 2008 (*side note: I saw a Christmas party photo of my old bosses and the Hobbit looks like hell—*giggling with glee*). Kind of hard to even hit the pavement job-hunting when you’re feeling sciatica pain, which in turn makes it difficult to reinvent yourself. *sigh* I’ve gone through the whole reinvention thing once before, but I had two jobs back then to carry me through it, working 52 hours per week. I also didn’t have to deal with pain other than my occasional lower back issue and I was much younger. That was about nine years ago, just so you know.
Wednesday night, I lost my internet connection due to an unpaid balance that I had no clue about, since I’d just paid the bill the week prior. Yep, that’s all it took this time—an unpaid bill or loss of internet, which we all know is my damn lifeline to staying sane these days. I really don’t expect anyone to help me with this—you’ve all supported me enough—and if I haven’t hit bottom yet, I’m damn close. The only issue here is that I’m not an addict of anything normally associated with hitting rock-bottom. I don’t do drugs and I drink once in a while. I have no money to gamble, so that’s out. My addiction involves nicotine and the internet. Loss of either can turn me into a raving psychotic bitch, or have me shedding my human form faster than you can say werewolf. Some friends have actually witnessed this. It’s not pretty.
What most people don’t realize is that during times like this, teasing me about anything is akin to poking the rattlesnake with a stick when he’s five feet away and can move a helluva lot faster than you can run. Didn’t know that, did you? You cannot outrun a rattlesnake if he decides to chase. You learn these things growing up in the desert.
By the way, sometimes I just need to mope for a bit and get it out of my system. Remember that and we’ll get along great. Umi does. I’m a writer, which means I suffer from depression. It’s in my nature. No, it’s not treated and that’s fine. The stories keep me from doing harm to myself, so you all can relax. I’m not going anywhere for quite some time unless my purpose in life is to get hit by a bus. Let’s hope that’s not my purpose in life. I’m personally rooting for the whole “stories need to be told” aspect.
As you may have noticed, it is possible for me to access the web from my phone. So why have I been absent? I said something to someone that I shouldn’t have because it was a reaction to something that I shouldn’t have taken personally…and there you have it. When I see myself reacting personally to things that are not meant to attack me, it’s time to leave the net for a while. Hey, at least I have the faculties about me to recognize that shit. A good number of people don’t. I have apologized to this person and we’re fine at the moment, but that is the reasoning behind the fourth paragraph above. I’m a very dangerous person when I’m reacting to everything that’s going on around me…and not everyone knows all of the things going on around me, so I’ll blind-side you just like that fucking rattlesnake before you hear the rattle, only you won’t hear me coming. Ask my family that got disowned a few years back. They’re probably still spinning and I’m the reason for it.
So, what’s going on in my life that has me snapping at people every time I turn around? Good question. A better question would be, what ISN’T going on? Along with all of the above, my home is on the market as a short sale, listing at $83,000 when I owe $227,000. If you know anything about short sales, you’ll realize that the bank doesn’t have to accept any offer that comes in and none of them will be for the list price due to the condition of my home; therefore, the auction on the 27th could still happen and I could soon be homeless. If I only have 10 days to move out of my house, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Seriously. It’s not like I can go rent a new place. I have no income coming in. Right now, I can’t even write articles for two of the sites I freelance for because I have no internet at home and anywhere else I go will not be conducive for concentrating well enough to write anything. I can’t list anything on eBay or Craigslist for sale now either, and I have a lot of items to move. Akhi can’t look for a job online now, in which most places have online applications now these days. I’m still waiting for approval on my AHCCCS, the state’s healthcare system, and I really don’t understand what’s taking so damn long. Oh wait, Unca T mentioned it while he was here: I’m a homeowner. How’s that for fair, right? Also, I’ve applied for Social Security Disability, but that will take so fucking long just to be told No the first time that I have no choice but to grin and bear it through my pain and find a damn job that will hopefully not have me standing too long, lifting anything, bending or twisting. Have I described the pain to you? A friend told me she’d rather go through childbirth again than experience sciatica pain. I’d say that pretty much says it all and gives you a good clue. And did you know that in order to apply for disability, you can’t work for an entire year prior to your application? Yeah, it sucks. It amazes me that people somehow fraud the system because I’ve seen what you have to go through, and I’m just starting!
I know some of you have seen me go out on the weekends. There are even photos of me out. But what you don’t see is me NOT dancing at the club because my hip hurts, or sitting in the chair most of the night next to the wall. You don’t see that I only played one game of pool last weekend because it hurt so much to bend over the damn pool table (there’s a lovely visual for some guys). And you don’t realize that I would rather sit on my futon most of the night because it is really the only comfortable place for me to sit where I don’t feel any pain whatsoever. Anywhere else I sit hurts me. It’s just the way it is and I can’t fix that right now.
And then there’s my Moon.
Moon is my beautiful nine-year-old malamute. She has hip dysplasia and this nasty weather hitting Arizona right now is really hurting her bad. It’s not helping me much either. I’ve watched her drag her ass-end across the floor, fall about four or five times from just standing there, and I’ve had to lift her up by hooking my arms under her belly countless times. That last one can easily throw my back out. One wrong move and I’m fucked for a couple of weeks, but if I don’t do it, she’ll lay in the same spot ALL DAY LONG. I think she needs wheels now, and of course, I’m in no position to help her with that. I’m also not ready to lose her. If you think I’m insane now, take away my dog and see what happens. I have survived losing three dogs in one week back in 2006, but I was in a better place then and even though it happened the week before my birthday, I was able to handle it somehow. I don’t think that would be the case now, not at the brink of already losing everything I own and have had.
I really love that I’ve spent the last 20 years of my life working my ass off to obtain things I like, build decent credit and a home, only to lose everything I’ve worked so hard to obtain in one year. Is this what the American Dream is supposed to be? Yeah, right. It’s all an illusion, if you ask me.
Anyway, I’ve written 1500+ words in one night, and I have to show my house tomorrow afternoon at two and it’s now three in the morning, so I’m going to head off to bed. Maybe some of the answers I seek will appear in my dreams because lord knows I can’t do a reading on myself and have it be accurate.
And on that note, I’ve been editing the past few nights and actually writing a new chapter for Nemesis. =)