And so it begins …
I have reached a point in my life over this last year that I never thought would be possible, that I didn’t think would ever occur. I know I’m not alone in my experiences as of late, but that’s not exactly how it feels these days. I feel more alone than ever before. I don’t expect you to understand unless you’re experiencing something similar.
A year and half ago, I was making $40K doing a job I loved. I was engaged and I owned this beautiful house. The only thing missing from my life were children, which I can’t have, and actually, I had a teenage foster daughter during that time.
Little by little, the walls around my world began to crumble. As I said, I know I’m not the only person experiencing these things associated with a failing economy and a housing market that’s tanked, but when it’s happening directly to you, it’s difficult to see outside of your own little world. Extremely difficult. I’m very glad my foster daughter went to live with her dad so she didn’t have to experience all of this.
I received a certified letter yesterday that I refused to open right after I woke up because I was pretty damn certain bad news was involved. I mean, since when does a certified letter come with good news, right? So I put it off and while speaking to Big Daddy (my ex) on the phone a little bit ago, he wanted to know what it was about because he received one as well, so I opened it. Yep, it’s officially official, my (our) house will be going up for auction on January 27, 2010. I have less than 3 months to sell a bunch of shit and get out. Oh joy! I can’t tell you how thrilled I am about this. But, it’s not like I didn’t see it coming.
I still can’t find a job and neither can my brother. Arizona’s job market is one of the worst in the country. I may be moving out of state because I can’t afford to live here anymore. Period. I have family in Oklahoma and my uncle tells me there are jobs there, and it’s much cheaper to live there than here, so that may be where we’re heading. I just don’t know yet. I’m just saying the possibility of me moving out of state is very strong. If I can’t hear supportive words about it, I don’t want to hear what you have to say. End of story. I have to think about me and Umi and my brother and his girlfriend, and all the damn animals in this house, and how we’re NOT going to end up in a damn shelter. Preventing homelessness is my main concern here.
Big Daddy is coming over next week to help me pack and sort out stuff for an estate sale or something. I need to make enough money to move wherever, plus a little extra. I hope it’ll be enough.
I don’t know what else to say, or if there is anything else to say. I’m kind of numb right now. If there’s still a bottom I have yet to hit, I really don’t want to see it. I don’t think I could survive much more damage.
NaNoWriMo just may save my life. Writing always saves me in the end.