No Parking!

….No, really, GTFO of my space….bitch.


Here’s the deal…

When you pay my rent, you can park in my space. Until then, find your own goddamn space. I pay for this one for a very specific reason: so my mother doesn’t have to walk that far from our apartment to my truck.

You don’t like the note she left on your car? Too fucking bad. You don’t like that I sent the landlord a picture of your car via text message? Oh fucking well. Ask me if I give a fuck.*


*Hint: I don’t.

Want to know what will happen to your vehicle if it happens again?


Dear June

…I’d like a fucking do-over, please, and yes, that includes my birthday.

If you stalk follow me on the interwebz, you may be well aware of the month I had…and I didn’t even share it ALL with the world. Oh yes, there’s so much more, but I won’t go into it because it’s a private matter.

Allow me to point you to the Gallbladder of Doom first. No, really, go read that and then come back here. Don’t worry about losing this page. It’ll open in a new tab. Go. *taps foot* I’m serious.

I will wait for you


Oh, you’re back. Good. *kicks feet off desk* Where was I? Right, so yeah, that was a lot of fun. I didn’t sleep much that week. Do you know what I did for my birthday? Nothing. I stayed home because I was exhausted. Excuse me a sec….

Mom, it is not your fault. I love you and will always drop everything for you when you need me. I’m your daughter. You know I like to bitch and where I get it from. *ahem*

Okay. I did work on my own book on my birthday, so that was nice. Dropped 1,000 words on Assassin. Go me. I also got some editing in that weekend that was apparently irrelevant, but whatever.

I should have known that the first week of June, with its calm and serenity—which was a much-needed break at work—was the precursor to the oncoming storm. I mean, emergency gallbladder surgery, then another publishing issue popped up that had to be taken care of immediately. Then the A/C died the week after Umi’s surgery and I got home Thursday night with plans to work on a not cheap line edit over the weekend, but I had to pack up Umi and Princess the Chihuahua and go sleep in a goddamn Motel 6 that our landlord put us in with crappy Wi-Fi and the first thing I did in the room was kill a cockroach. I will be discussing with him which hotel I’d like to stay at if this ever happens again, and it sure as fuck isn’t Motel 6. After waking up on the incredibly hard too-small bed with very little sleep, I sent him a text stating that I cannot sleep on that hard bed another night and I had a job to complete for a contract that I CANNOT LOSE. We were back in our apartment by 2:00pm, though it was a bit muggy/humid as the poor A/C unit worked in overdrive to cool the place off again. It ran for five hours straight. FIVE. HOURS. I’m afraid to see the electric bill. I slept through those five hours because I didn’t sleep much the night before, and neither did Umi. She passed out too.


Then the A/C starting leaking right from the filter. The maintenance guy came back and fixed it. And then it continued to leak from the filter and inside the hall closet, thereby ruining a few things. He fixed it again, supposedly. Then on the 29th as we were leaving for Umi’s follow-up appointment with the surgeon, he was to look at it while we were gone. We stopped at the store on the way home, and when we got there, he was already gone. There was no leak in the hallway anymore. Then as I unloaded groceries from the ‘lanche, Umi started screaming from her bedroom that there was water coming down. I kid you not, there was a fucking waterfall coming out of her closet. I had to shut off the water to the entire building until the maintenance guy could return. The landlord showed up and I pointed out where the waterfall was and he saw the leak in the hallway that the maintenance guy apparently did NOT fix. At this point, he feels bad. The maintenance guy doesn’t show up again the rest of the week and is supposed to be out today.

I’m done with this place. Seriously. It’s ancient and falling apart. Their remodel four years ago was only aesthetic.

The sad part? I just found the PERFECT townhouse directly across the street from where I work for cheaper rent than what I’m paying now and with more room, and we are not in any kind of a position to move yet. Maybe in a couple of months, I’ll be able to do it. I can only hope that place is still available then, but I doubt it.

So if you need an edit, or know anyone who needs an edit, share my Editing page, would ya?


Oh, and go fuck yourself, June. I’ve had it with you. I think I’ll start celebrating my birthday in December.

The Gallbladder of Doom

…may be coming for you.

In early 2010, right after I’d moved down to Tucson and in with my friend Heather a.k.a. Kitty, the Gallbladder of Doom struck her a month after it’d struck her sister CJ Redwine, and for two months, I took care of her. Since then, the Gallbladder of Doom has come for many of my friends, it seems.

Now it has reared its ugly head yet again.

Snap 2015-07-01 at 17.29.59On June 8, 2015—five days before my birthday—Umi called me before noon crying because she was in a lot of pain. And I know it was a lot of pain because she called me at work crying and telling me to come home. I panicked a little, but for the most part kept calm. I think I surprised my co-workers by how calm I was. It’s perfectly normal for me to be the rock for everyone else in my family. That’s the way it’s always been, so panic is not an option. Now, when it comes to my mother, I will tend to “lose it,” but only when she’s either not in my line of sight or when it’s not imperative that I get to her in one piece….like on June 8, 2015. I needed to drive 11 miles from work to my home so that I could assess the situation and get her ass to the ER, which took some persuasion, by the way.

Snap 2015-07-01 at 14.34.33Once I got her to the ER, they got her back there quickly. Umi already has COPD and is on blood thinners because she had a pulmonary embolism several years ago, so they decided 10 hours later and after a CT Scan, an ultrasound, and the HIDA scan, that they wanted to do the surgery the next morning. They finally admitted her to the hospital. When the time came for her surgery the next morning, her INR was 4.1, which is incredibly high and she would bleed out if they did the surgery. So we had to wait another day. By Wednesday, her INR was down to 1.5, an Snap 2015-07-01 at 14.35.20acceptable level for the surgery. The surgeon told me her gallbladder was very infected and he took care of the hernia while in there. Meanwhile, they’re all surprised by her attitude because she’s cracking everyone up and not acting like she’s in pain at all. But that’s Umi. Ever the joker, always willing to make others laugh, makes friends everywhere she goes. She hides her pain well.

I’d always thought that my ability to mask my pain was due to my being a Gemini, but it’s apparent to me now that I’ve inherited it from my mother. And her Taurusian stubbornness.

Here’s basically a rundown of what happened while at the hospital all week…

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Snap 2015-07-01 at 15.49.26 Snap 2015-07-01 at 15.50.55Snap 2015-07-01 at 15.50.34 Snap 2015-07-01 at 15.51.14 

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Snap 2015-07-01 at 14.31.30Due to the fact that her insurance had yet to activate, we need a little help with her medical bills. We’d appreciate any help at all. It’s been a pretty crazy month, but that’s another post altogether.



Adventures in Comiconland

…when I’m not actually working the event.


Phoenix Comicon was the last weekend in May this year and I had a blast, even though my body was basically all “fuck you” after walking for two days straight. Originally, I was only supposed to go for one day, but my friend Gary Wilson over at Nightstalker Press gave me an exhibitor pass for the next day. Queue him into the Awesome Friend VIP area (no, you can’t get in without a pass, damn it). At any rate, I walked in two days the equivalent of working three days wrangling Michael Rooker when I work for Juliette and ZSC Entertainment. Saturday alone I walked 10,000 steps. That’s more than I walk in one day with the Rooker. Wow.

But…I saw a lot of neat stuff and met a lot of awesome people, so instead of a big gigantic long-ass post, I’m adding pictures below. There’s not a lot of them, but I’m short on time these days (I’ll explain in another post).


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There was a pink version of Pyramidhead walking around but I wasn’t able to grab a pic of her. And yes, I know I should have taken more pics, but I stood in lines most of Saturday.

Awesome Art by Dave Holtz

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Ron Perlman AKA Hellboy (and several other characters but all I care about is Hellboy):

Second part of the photo op line for Ron

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David Morrissey AKA the Governor, who was extremely wonderful even though I went through his line four times (I swear I’m not a stalker):

David posing with his new Magdalena Peach Clothing Co. t-shirt



Jason Momoa *gasps*, who was also very polite and soft-spoken:



Katee Sackoff AKA Starbuck, whom I got to speak with for a good amount of time about our steps and apps for it:


Karl Urban, also very nice and might I point out how he signed the photo and exactly which photo from which movie it is and the quote is not:



I’d also like to point out that even though I work with celebrities once in a blue moon, when I walked up to their booths for the above moments, I felt like a complete fucking on-the-verge-of-babbling fangirling idiot. So if that’s how you feel when approaching these wonderful people, don’t feel so bad about it. I do it too. ;)

I also picked up these guys. They were just hanging around for a pretty decent price. Guardians don’t cost much, it seems. ;)


Now all I need is Drax, Nebula, Thanos, the Collector, full-sized Groot, and Ronan. Right? Who am I missing? I already have Yondu and Baby Groot.

And sometimes, after walking 10,000 goddamn steps in one day when you’re not used to it, you need to have a fucking drink and eat Mexican food.

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*limps away with rum and coke*

Deep P.O.V. Part One—What IS It? How Do We DO It?

Jinxie G:

For those of you wondering why I pull what I do from your books when I edit them…it apparently has a name I knew nothing about. LOL I call it something else….

Originally posted on Kristen Lamb's Blog:

Image via Flickr Creative Commons, courtesy of FromSandToGlass Image via Flickr Creative Commons, courtesy of FromSandToGlass

Writing is like anything else. The trends and fashions change along with the audience. For instance, Moby Dick spends an excruciatingly long time talking about whales, namely because the audience of the time probably had never seen one and never would. If we did this today? Sure, feel free to walk around in a literary gold-plated cod piece, but er…

Yes, awkward.

Epics were also very popular. Follow a character from the womb until death. FANTASTIC STUFF! Why? Because no one had HBO, Pinterest or Angry Birds. Books were a rare indulgence usually reserved for a handful of literate folks with the money or connections to get their hands on…a book.

Also, since writers were paid by the word, their works were padded more than a freshman term paper. Their motto? No modifier left behind. These days? We have to write leaner…

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You Might Be a Writer If…

Jinxie G:

I’m dying over here….

You might be a writer if….

Your desk is covered in Post-It notes, and your phone, tablet, and laptop have “NEW STORY IDEAS” notes in them.

Enjoy Kristen’s….

Originally posted on Kristen Lamb's Blog:

Screen Shot 2015-06-05 at 1.30.15 PM

A lot of “stuff” has been going on in my life lately. Hard stuff. Heavy stuff. The kind of stuff that just makes me want to write massacre scenes….except I am so brain dead I had to google how to spell “massacre.”

Masicker? Missucker?

WHAT AM I DOING???? *breaks down sobbing*

I am supposed to be an adult an expert okay, maybe functionally literate. Fine, I give up! I have nothing left to saaaaayyyyyy. I am all out of woooords *builds pillow fort*.

I figured it’s time for a bit of levity. Heck, I need a good laugh. How about you guys?

We writers are different *eye twitches* for sure, but the world would be SO boring without us. Am I the only person who watches Discovery ID and critiques the killers?

You are putting the body THERE? Do you just WANT to go to prison? Why did you STAB…

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Vegas, Baby

….and yes, I still have money in my pocket. Also? I know it’s been a while since I posted and that this happened like five weeks ago. What, I’m busy. Sue me. It’s the end of the school year and teachers are needy as hell. *grins*

Recently (sort of), I drove up to Las Vegas for the Wizard World Comicon to work with Juliette Terzieff and wrangle Michael Rooker again for a weekend, which I do not do often enough. Seriously. Working with them is always a blast of fun and craziness. Like the time Rooker tried to pimp out four of us in Cincinnati to the Kinko’s guys so we could get his photos printed faster (all in jest, of course). Or when he displayed how much room he had in the front seat of Juliette’s 4Runner and proceeded to take a photo of Noah Hathaway, Jimmy Duvall, Jack, and myself squished in the backseat. Or the time in Phoenix when the fire alarm went off during the convention and he had to literally pull me up the last few steps of the three flights of stairs so we could get topside. This was when I discovered just how out-of-shape I was and have been making changes ever since. Or like the time when, after walking a mile around the convention center after the fire alarm, he said he wanted to go back to the hotel and get a long island. Josh, his security detail, and I were totally down with that one. Three waters and three Long Island Iced Teas, please!

Vegas wasn’t much different with its own special brand of insanity.

I drove up there Thursday afternoon. I’d been told it would take four hours to get there. Four hours, my ass. Maybe if you live on the west side of Phoenix, but certainly not if you live on the east side. Hell, it takes 45-60 minutes just to get to that side of town!

Five and a half hours later, I arrived in Vegas. It’s still better than the six or so it used to take.

Whenever I’m going to be working with Rooker, I always pack my Skechers because 1) I know I’ll be walking miles and miles, and 2) I’ll be walking them at Rooker speed, which is equivalent to that of a freight train. Seriously, the man can move, and if you don’t move at his speed, you’ll get lost in the shuffle.

I did not, however, expect to walk the circumference of TWO malls while in Vegas. Holy shit. I’m surprised my legs didn’t fall off. Let’s just say that driving from Vegas to Phoenix when cramps are settling in your legs and your leg cramp pills are completely out of reach and you don’t want to pull over to look for them because it’s the middle of the night and you’re a woman driving down the highway by herself is not fun.

What I did NOT do while in Vegas was gamble much. Really. J and I hit the Riviera Thursday night and that was pretty much it. I actually don’t care for that casino; too smoky. Didn’t matter; I came home with more money than I’d arrived with, which was just fine by me. I also bought Umi a Las Vegas shirt. Pink. I didn’t want to get yelled at again for not bringing her anything from Vegas.

What, Mom? I’m not broke! That should mean something.

Friday Morning

For the first time, I got to be the one to escort the Rooker to his media spots just before the convention began, so I was up bright and early, called him to make sure he was awake and to give him his 15-minute warning, and then I ran downstairs to the hotel Starbucks that does not have Venti frappuccinos to grab us some coffee before the car arrived. I also needed to eat breakfast, which is not easy when you’re allergic to the world.

We drove to the radio station (KOMP) where he hit two morning shows (video on his website), and then we called another station in the car from my phone as we headed to the TV station (KNLV). I always do a selfie with him. Sometimes, they don’t turn out so great, like this one…


I have no idea what I’m looking at in this photo and Rooker’s eyes are missing, which he got a kick out of and did on purpose. After the TV station, we headed to the gun range, but first we had to find an Apple store. Guess what’s not open before 10am in Vegas? That’s right, fucking Apple. Why in the hell would you open so late on a Friday? I don’t care if it’s Vegas. The people who live there need their shit too, and sometimes before 10am.

Dear Apple,

I’m placing blame on you for the mall trek I had to later endure that day because your stupid store was closed.

Thanks not so much,


Since no one was open, we headed off to the gun range down the street.

The Range 702

I couldn’t remember the name of the place at first. That’s bad, isn’t it? Everything is like a whirlwind when I’m running with Rooker. I need to start writing all of this shit down, or at least doing voice notes. Thankfully, Juliette sent me an email with their address. Hello, Google, my old friend! Their VIP area was damn nice. It even had its own range. Now, this was an indoor range, so eye and ear protection were necessary because safety first and hell, we’re indoors. That shit is going to be LOUD.

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0424151015cThe SRO there was pretty awesome!

I will say that damn, you need to wear a mask too if you’re shooting indoors because once they started firing, I couldn’t breathe, and I believe it was the precursor to what happened later with my throat.

After the gun range, we hit In-n-Out Burger because we were all hungry. Not one person noticed Rooker until we were walking out the front door and one of the cooks yelled “Merle!” Rooker paused, waved and yelled back, and we left. Prior to that happening, while we waited for our food, we overheard someone talking about the Comicon and they said Rooker’s name. We both turned around, but no one was looking at him or walking up to him for a handshake or photo. They were talking about him right next to him and never even saw him.

*laughs* Oh, people. You funny.

We headed back to the hotel, found an Apple store (inside a mall), and went there where I proceeded to walk a bah-jillion miles back and forth through this blasted place. We got him a new phone, the Ryans were awesome, as we geeked out together over everything from The Walking Dead to Star Trek to Star Wars to Marvel, and we went back to the hotel again. I spent the rest of the day/evening with Juliette and we went on a shopping spree from Target to Sprouts to the Skechers outlet store. Knowing myself all too well, I stayed out of the Skechers store.

A storm blew through during all of this and we both ended up with raspy voices the next day, and so did half the convention staff, it seemed.

At the Convention–Saturday

IMG_20150425_1015090425151019Bright and early Saturday morning was spent getting Rooker’s table ready for the long line of rabid fans, who are always so awesome. Seriously, we love you guys. But before all of that even started, one of my nails popped off and I’d hoped it wasn’t the precursor to the kind of day we might have. Luckily, it wasn’t, and since I couldn’t go through a convention with a missing nail, I wrapped a pirate Band-Aid around it!

Because my nail glue was at home and I didn’t have time to search for some.

Merle Dixon is a pretty popular character played by Rooker, but after this show, I think Yondu might have him beat. Star Lord and Drax stopped by to visit. Well, miniature versions of them, anyway. In fact, there were several little Star Lords coming by to visit their old buddy Yondu.

0425151520a0425151520I don’t know how well y’all know Rooker and his crazy antics, but on the way back from his photo op he decided he wanted to crash David Morrissey’s panel. We tip-toed backstage, where Rooker grabbed a ladder and just walked up onstage, in front of Morrissey, and proceeded to set up, climb, and pretend to change a lightbulb. Morrissey played right along, saying, “He’ll be done in just a minute.” They had a good laugh, he brought the ladder backstage again, and then we were off and running back to his booth, where a long line of fans awaited his return.

We had Jaze Cosplay come through both days…

Jaze MotU


Those fine folks are from Scottsdale, AZ!

Jaze Xena


I didn’t get the chance to find them at Phoenix Comicon over the weekend, but check out their Instagram because it is full of all kinds of awesomely goodness!

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

Rooker’s panel was this day, and he decided that he’d jump off the stage and walk through the crowd to answer questions. His security detail seemed shocked and said, “Is he really going to do this?”

ME: Yes he is.

HIM and the OTHER GUY: Shit.

ME: *laughs* Rooker does what Rooker wants.

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And then he met with this lovely young lady from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

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Fun times!

Before dinner, this was pretty much me….

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I was basically exhausted. Also before dinner, I had him sign a couple of things for me that should keep me in “Cool Aunt” status for years. *grins*

This weekend I hunted down Khal Drogo, the Governor, Judge Dredd, Starbuck, and Hellboy for autographs at Phoenix Comicon. After 16K steps over the two days, I’m exhausted yet again. Post forthcoming….